SLTS LEAVE WEDENSDAY OWLING IN DISBELIEF

3rd November 2002

SLT 7 – 1 Sheffield Wednesday

Referee - a very nice guy who provided both the match ball and the half time entertainment.
Attendance - a group of the owl's glamorous wife being bothered by a tubby, jolly hibs fan.

TANGERINES SHOW THEY ARE UP FOR THE CUP WITH FREE FLOWING DISMISSAL OF SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY

Without their leader, secretary Malcom Freeman, fans suspected that the organisational aspect of the SLTs might be forgotten. How right they were, as the SLTs arrived lacking a match ball and with only two pairs of official shorts between them.

With some of the leading players berating the club powers for the allegedly "amateurish" and "f**king Sunday league" preparations for such a big match (an allegation that has split the local media), all can be thankful that the players were wise enough to both bring their own shorts and prise a football from the loving arms of an incredibly enthusiastic referee.

Once the match started the SLTs set about their passing game smoothly, and at times you could have sworn there were more tangerine shirts on view than stripes. In fact, there were indeed more tangerines on the pitch due to the owls being two short of the full complement - the deficit being reduced to 1 when their captain arrived to loud jeers.

The way the SLTs played though, no one could argue that more Wednesday players would have altered the result. A number of good chances were created before the opening goal, a well crafted move involving the ball being shifted (somehow) from one wing to the other - keeper Rod claims the assist, not sure how legitimately - before Ben rolled his shot slowly under the keeper from the edge of the area. Not the first sign of weakness from the young owls keeper, he was shortly beaten again - this time more convincingly - from the penalty spot by skipper Glen. The goal was just reward for Glen's powerful run into and dainty pirouette inside the penalty box.

Following the fine example of his captain, Ben took an equally spectacular fall in the area and another penalty was rightly awarded to United. Whilst FG could certainly learn something from the manner in which the penalties were won, this time Glen could set no example, crashing his spot kick against the post.

This couldn't halt the SLTs flow; some fine football continued to be played and it was only a matter of time before another arrived. This duly came when a Sheffield clearance found its way to Dobbie. Waiting for the right pass to become available, the right back slid the ball to Jamie Snr who picked out Ben's run perfectly. The SLTs top scorer applied his usual crisp finish to make it 3-0 to the tangerines. It was obvious that with Alan, Kev, Dobbie and Dave G providing no opening to the Owl forwards, and the wide men Jamie Jnr and Ant having the freedom of the pitch, this match was only going one way.

Half time passed quickly with the teams being treated to a display of skills and private, one man football matches by the referee (the ref set a great example to FG, pointedly refusing to be riled by the stubbled striker calls of offside). When play resumed it seemed as if the SLTs were still in shock at the spectacle, and nothing really happened for a little while. The calm was ended by a controversial (though no more than the reasoned arguments deserved) throw in reward for the SLTs. With plenty still to do the ball fell to Andy for another slick through ball to be slotted home by Ben. Another hatrick from the SLTs great value signing to cement his early lead in the scoring charts.

Andy followed his assist with a calm finish from Jamie's instinctive pass, and then the SLTs hopped aboard the show boat. With every player determined to dribble past as many players as possible, even centre back Kev got in on the act - twice he raced past statuesque Owls like a winger, twice he applied the finish of - sadly - a defender. The circus act-like match continued, with up to 98 passes (all within the six yard box or thereabouts) ending with an obviously impatient Glen rifling the ball home for the sixth.

The men of steel were now looking battered and blunt, and who better to polish them off than Fraser? With his life of leisure ending FG looked determined to enjoy himself for one last time, joyfully slamming the ball into the roof of the net from three yards once it had been put on a plate by Glen.

(OK, Sheffield Wednesday scored but not that important (Rod never deserved to be beaten with a fine if rarely called on performance).

As the final whistle blew, it was not a moment too soon for the boys in blue and white. The nature of the victory, seven goals being no reward for the outrageous amount of chances created, will make many of Sheffield Wednesday's first division colleagues fear the draw for the next round. It's clear that the careering bandwagon of the SLTs won't be satisfied with promotion - cup glory is also in their sights.

Man of the Match: Ben. A hatrick once more from the rapier-like striker.

The Wandsworth Diaries

28th September:

SLT 2 – 1 Bolton Wanderers

Referee : A tubby Hibs fan,
Attendance - about five or six, maybe even more

Today's match reports see a double dose of SLT excitement for the fans, a double header straight from FG's wildest dreams. Twice the SLTs stepped onto the Wandsworth Common turf, and twice they walked off with three more points in their pocket.

A scrappy, hard fought win for the SLTs, proving the old pro's adage of winning ugly - not something many of the squad are naturally suited for. With the Ryder Cup providing a big enough draw for a few of the squad to only just make the kick off, the tangerines were rushing to make their tee off time.

Stretching a metaphor as far as it can go, the SLTs could not seem to find their swing at the start, a stuttering beginning to the first half seeing the ball given away a number of times. The pattern continued with the SLTs struggling to carve out chances, and the shaky period came to a slightly sorry end with Dobbie - surely suffering from muddy boots - unfortunate to beat the Bolton striker to the ball only to provide the finishing touch for him. Rod could only lie sprawled flat out in his goal in disbelief.

The shock galvanised the SLTs into making one of their famous formation changes, although as this reporter can't quite remember how they had started he's not sure to what formation they changed.

Whatever, it worked. The ball was pushed forward quickly, going down the wing yet also maybe through the middle, and being crisply despatched by Ben (probably - if it was he continued his scoring streak).

Half time saw the scores deservedly level, setting the scene for a determined second half performance from the tangerines. The goal was rarely threatened - bar an experienced challenge in the box from Alan. Would he have got the ball? Was it a penalty? It wasn't given - no further comment. The ball was cleared to the left wing, where a strong run by the SLT winger ended with the ball rolled across the box to the onrushing Andy. Obviously playing with the heavy weight of suspicion over his kit thieving antics lifted from his shoulders, Andy cleverly angled the ball to the keeper's right hand corner with his studs. Time stood still, but the ball eventually hit the back of the net and the crowd went wild. Two minutes later it was all over, and the tangerine machine had won without finding second gear.

PS: this was a long time ago so some of the details might be a little sketchy.

October 20th

Slt 7 – 3 Hull City

Referee - a real old fashioned gentleman ref, bizarrely sporting sunglasses and a cap with a very stern, but fun loving Ginger linesman.
Attendance - about six (OK, including subs and a cold, united scarf wearing Doreen cos Malky had her bank card).

Back to the common for the SLTs, this time in a tricky looking away fixture against the tigers from Hull. A smoothly organised prematch build up saw a squad of 14 all turn up pretty much on time. On time, that is, bar keeper Rod - obviously desperate to mirror the professionals Rod kept the Hull side waiting with a protracted changing session on the sidelines. He escaped a booking, but this only served to fire up the opposition.

Indeed, it was the SLTs who were shaken by this show. No sooner had the whistle blown then the tigers took the game by the scruff of the neck. The boys in tangerine couldn't keep the ball for longer than Rod took to put his gloves on, resulting in a succession of corners for the be-striped opposition.

Hull duly scored the first from such a corner, then added a quick second after an unfortunate air shot in defence. At times like these it's important for those in nominal charge of tactics to take the lead. The captain and the secretary looked at each other; FG screamed for a change to 4-4-2. Shrugging, the two strongly did what he suggested, moving players about and giving Neil his second different position a total of four for the match.

The immediate improvement saw more short passing and, crucially, more use of the wings. The ball was worked through to Ben, running the ball to the goal line before being cruelly felled. Having marked his first appearance in tangerine with a well-struck penalty Jamie had no sign of nerves. His well scuffed shot went straight down the middle, leaving the keeper no choice but to dive out the way.

With half time seeing another change - this time in personnel - the SLTs were an even more purposeful unit when the game restarted. Weathering the early Hull storm, the SLTs broke and Andy was clear on the wing. The ball was worked to FG who's instinctive touch saw Ben with only the keeper to beat. Almost nonchalantly he grabbed his first of the game.

Hot on the equaliser heels came the moment that proved the tigers had been tamed, the ball being fed to Ben this time on the right and, with the last defender left sprawling, the SLTs were fired into the lead.

FG had been having his usual busy game, enjoying a great relationship with the ref the banter about his now standard three penalty appeals never fails to amuse. However, perhaps his greatest contribution was his well worn habit of spotting young talent, and, as per usual, he didn’t go looking too far for it. His next door neighbour Jamie had already made a great impact on the game when he fired the fourth past the hapless Hull keeper. A great moment for the young lad who played totally without fear, as only the young can do.

In ancient times the locals knew the common as a place to graze their sheep (editor pls check this), but surely no spring lambs could have enjoyed the space the SLTs were now allowed. The Hull defence had obviously lost its desire, and it was no surprise when the tireless running of FG brought its reward. A square ball found the stubbled number two ('the striker's shirt' readers will remember) and he made no mistake from six yards. His celebration took him to the touchline, where, after realising not one of his team mates had the energy to follow him, he substituted himself. Dobbie bolstered the already strong defence, shutting out all hope for the somewhat mangy looking tigers.

A freakish third from Hull (the tiger's first decent through ball of the half produced a crisp finish) was never going to be enough to halt tangerine flow, Ben wrapping up his hat trick with another elegant finish (he refused the match ball as he couldn't be bothered to bring it along to the next match).

The youthful exuberance of Jamie brought another, final goal. After the fourth or fifth had gone in FG had demanded six, with an eye on the long awaited first in the SLT greatest games video and DVD series.

'Seventh heaven' the unshaven number two muttered, 'I think we've found ourselves a title'. More importantly, if they can keep this up it could be only the first title of the season.

Man of the match: Ben.

REPUBLICKED!

SLT 5 – 2 Republic of Ireland

Date: 22nd September 2002

Referee: Blair/one of their players
Attendance: 2 random kids (one of whom seemed to fancy FG)

BOYS IN GREEN FEEL THE EIRE OF THE SLT'S

This Sunday saw another much changed line-up take the field. International duties had robbed the team of the midfield engine room, including last week's man of the match, Captain Tonks, who was on an Italian job.

No matter. When the kit finally turned up (suspicions again surfaced about scouse Andy and likely money making jaunts to Liverpool), the SLTs took to the serious business in hand: Arguing about the line-up. Fraser had the striker's jersey* - he literally had it and wouldn't give it back - so that was one decision made. Matters were complicated by the unexpected (but psychologically massive) return of star strike Blair - literally putting his groin on the SLT line by playing through hernia hell. Discussions eventually concluded and a strong SLT side stepped out on the (absolutely rubbish) pitch.

The Republic, to be fair, started quite brightly, passing the ball to each other without arguing once. A few decent challenges kept the green hordes at bay, with Dobbie, Malks and confused captain-for-the-day Kev dealing with most problems. Rod pulled a cracking birthday save and was sharper than you'd expect from someone so visibly overwhelmed by the excitement of his big day.

Soon the SLT midfield found its feet, Alan and Andy had the ball at their mercy, James and Dennis were always worrying away on the wings and new favourite Jamie started pulling the SLT strings. When the break through came it was richly deserved - Pel paying back the secretary's faith by slamming home after good play and a run off by FG before dummying the centre half and banging his debut goal...

The second soon followed, a swift passing move from the defence through the midfield, finding FG in space on the wing and (somehow, it was good but I'm not sure exactly what happened) the ball was moved by a deft touch from Pel and Jamie despatched it with aplomb into the bottom corner.

This was the cue for the Irish troubles to begin. Dennis was goaded into a confrontation with the willowy right-winger, a brave little man who screamed insults over his shoulder as he scurried to the other wing - where he sulked for the rest of the game.

In the second half it became clear that Ireland were truly divided, and would never rule. Constantly harping on about being fiddled, they produced little to distract themselves from the more entertaining pastime of squaring up to each other. Somehow they scored - this reporter is not the only one in the dark as to how, but backed up by the TV replays it was adjudged to have been a cross that somehow crept in the top corner, giving the birthday boy no chance - and it looked like they might make a (better aimed) fist of it.

They couldn't. One more attack, where Kid Gloves produced a great one handed save from a free kick, the SLTs counter attacked. Quick as a flash FG slipped the offside trap, comfortably finishing a simple SLT move involving players down the right. Now the SLTs had confidence, with every passing move ending in gilt edged chances...Blair scored his comeback goal, looking sharper and hungrier by the second, and then came the moment that the crowd had came for. Following a tactical substitution, Malcom Freeman, in the unaccustomed more attacking role, which he wore like a comfortable old overcoat, swept a loose ball home gleefully and produced the best celebration of the day.

Again the greens scored a bizarrely unexpected goal, but as the atmosphere heated up it was worrying to see FG go down as if he were shot. Had they brought snipers? Eventually the mystery ended in wild penalty appeals from FG, appeals which are probably still carrying on somewhere in a south London bedsit.

All that was left was to introduce the SLT's first youth program graduate, a 20 month year old named Ben, to the team - and the pub. Entertained by the antics of James and Malks, he was delighted to discover the singing fish - only James and Malks found it more amusing. He was happy, they were happy, the fish was singing and the SLTs - unlike the irish - had no tears before bedtime.

*this reporter is not entirely sure why FG insisted that number 2 was the striker's jersey - perhaps only he can say.

** in fact this reporter is not sure of some - many - of the details due to a eve-of-match warm-up of cheap alcohol and shocking breakdancing.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Jamie

SLT`s GET FIRST WIN OF THE SEASON

SLT 2 – 1 Bristol City

Date: 15th September 2002

Referee: their manager
Attendance: 2

After storming Division 3 last season, the SLT's had yet to make a name for themselves in rarefied atmosphere of Division 2. Confidence was further eroded by the groundsman, who not only refused to recognise the SLT's, on at least 10 occasions, but went on to deny that we were even booked to play on Sunday.

The omens worsened when a rumour began to circulate that SLT newcomer Scouse Andy had run back to Liverpool to sell the shirts - a plan that was soon thwarted after a number of phone calls and the threat of violence from Ant. All of this was of no consequence as the SLT's took to the field, buoyed by the stirring sight of FG on the touchline. Right from the start this was clearly a match for winning and it was a far more composed looking team that carefully probed the Bristol goal in the opening 20 mins. Rarely under threat, the SLT's took a deserved lead from the spot, with new signing Neil M repeating his Klinsmann-esque acrobatics of the previous match. Cometh the hour, cometh captain tonks who despatched the kick emphatically. As confidence increased there was good work from all on highly questionable playing surface.

The second goal duly arrived when Ben, a journeyman pro who's contract was recently snapped up by the SLT's, flicked on a towering throw from the right, outmuscled the remaining defender and neatly slotted the ball past the keeper. 2-0, and plenty more in the tank.

The second half started brightly, but spirits were dampened as the boys from Bristol hit back from a corner. A disappointing lapse from an otherwise solid defence. Tension was high for the rest of half, but the SLT's goal, guarded by the stand in newcomer James (The Cat), labelled Calamity James by some pundits and himself, was never really threatened.

The biggest cheer of the day greeted the season's first appearance of the talismanic FG, who showed a few deft touches (for a big man) and provided most of the entertainment for the rest of the afternoon - both on the pitch and off it.

As the final whistle went, the feeling was that the SLT bandwagon was finally back in gear - at least second gear as James would have it. As this reporter left, even the confused groundsman couldn't fail to recognise this outfit. " The SLT's" he muttered, smiling, "The SLT's.......".

MAN OF THE MATCH: GLEN

SLTs BACK WITH A BANG!

It was a walk in Battersea Park for the South London Tangerines on Saturday morning as the tangerines run amok against a disappointing Frost and Sullivan side.

The research analysts couldn't have forecast a 15-2 mauling but that was the scoreline run up, thanks mostly to a finishing masterclass from comeback kid Blair Robertson. The dashing young Glaswegian bagged eight goals in his first game for over a month and made off with the man of the match award and a couple of blonde lovelies at the end of the game. Frost and Sullivan were in total disarray throughout the game, seeming to lack any coherent strategy and there was a suggestion that there central defence didn't know each others' names. Not so the SLTs who displayed some wonderful passing football from start to finish and oozed as much confidence and composure as eleven Charlie Millers. Two SLTs took the opportunity to grab their first ever goals for the side, Laingy with a thunderbolt of a volley that nearly burst the net and Malky who finished superbly after a fine move. Other highlights were a cheeky second half hat-trick from Max Walker, a late running arrival from Ali Merry and a Glen Tonkin free kick that knocked a squirrel out a tree. All in all, a very satisfying return to form for the SLTs. With the suggestion of a match-up with our Charlton sister club and Kev's work in the offing, the scene is set for another unbeaten run.

SLT`s WIN BUT LOSE CLOTHES!

CHAOS AT BATTERSEA AS PLAYERS STRIPPED OF KIT

The SLT`s have won the first game for months but it descended into chaos when their supporters invaded the pitch at the Battersea Stadium with six minutes of their crucial friendly with Frost and Sullivan remaining.

With the SLT`s leading 15-2, hundreds of jubilant fans from the capital converged on the pitch and many of the home players had their shirts, shorts and boots taken off them.

Fans and viewers on the sidelines were treated to the bizarre sight of SLT players standing around in varying states of undress, with defender Malcolm Freeman in particular cutting quite a figure in nothing but his underpants. Play was held up for fifteen minutes and the game finished 15-2, giving the SLT`s the victory.